gaudery

Fatebook is amazing. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Reliving an event from different angles, trying to understand, to find meaning, only inside my head had I been a part of something like that.

The worst I've found is absolute truth [ignorance], the best is love. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud."

I will never believe in Fate. I will always believe in choice, I will always believe in God.

My mom is having surgery this morning. We are at Baptist of all places, which puts me in UM for a bit of the day. I took the rest of the week off.

She just mentioned a book she once read, Sophie's Choice. Wikipedia has a good description of both the book and the movie adaptation. Without having read or watched the movie, I wish both Stingo and Nathan were better people. I wish Sophie had made a better choice, then again, what were her options? 

I like the Emily Dicken's poem that ends the movie. Even in the cruelest of worlds, we can always find hope and faith is not needed for hope, we can trust instead. 

Ample make this bed.
Make this bed with awe;
In it wait till judgment break
Excellent and fair.

Be its mattress straight,
Be its pillow round;
Let no sunrise' yellow noise
Interrupt this ground. 

Emily Dickinson

I saw this on my friends livejournal. Copied and Pasted Below.

This offer does have some restrictions so please read:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for YOU & you are allowed to make requests (and I will try to honor them).
- It will be done before December 31th, 2010.
- It might be cookies, a mix cd, a necklace, a mixed media canvas, a scarf, who knows!
- You'll need to PM me your mailing address if you're one of the first 5.

In return, all you need to do is re-post this somewhere and offer to make 5 things for 5 other people.

If you are one of the first 5, please include a few details about your own interests, fave colors, fave themes, etc. so that I can make your gift as personal as possible.

There is so much that is beyond my scope of reasoning, things that I will never comprehend. There is even more that I could understand but probably never will. So much depends on our experiences. 

I've always held tight to the idea that certain, basic concepts, like truth, lie, love and hate were beyond any of this. Is this a fool's belief? 

A friend of mine did something shitty and then tried to justify it by saying, "we each look at things through our own window." I think it is obvious that our perspectives are shaped by our experiences, but do perspectives ever make a wrong, right? 

Then again, my friend was not trying to justify anything. She just wanted to see if I would listen and try and understand her, or if I would judge her. I waited for her to admit she was wrong, like a righteous hypocrite. In that sense, my other friend is right to call me an ahole, I have been one, many times. 

I don't know if you read my journal Ming, but since you are "done" talking about this, I will post it here. I am very sorry I hurt your feelings as much as I did. I meant not to. All the same, I believe you are very wrong about the resturant bit. It's important, else I would drop it. But if you do not understand why I think the way I do, then I cannot trust you anymore. Truth is, I haven't for a while now. 

Who we trust affects more than us, another of life's little lessons. 

To me, The Coffee House Gypsies' Tigerlily is no different than the Fray's We Build then We Break. It's the kind of song I believe is written to decieve, or by by one who has been decieved. It is the kind of song I would not sing, regardless of what my silence would cost me. It is the kind of song written to spread animosity amoung friends because it is based on hate. It is the kind of song I hate.

In case you don't know, I love The Bailouts, The Coffee House Gypsies, Andrew McMahon, Kristen May, Kate Voegele and whoever writes for The Fray. I consider them my friends, and no, I do not know, nor will I probably know, the last four in that list. Still I love them, their thoughts are my thoughts, they keep me up at night, they drive me to edge of sanity, where I've find meaning. 

Moreover, I will probably never hear The Fray live. This is pretty funny realization for someone who has never and will never believe in words like fate and karma. God has apparently made it so, as I will not buy tickets to another Fray concert. 

Still track wise, there is no artist or band I like more than them. That is, there are more "The Fray" songs on my favorite music list than any other artist or band. Ironic, is in it, that there is no song that I dislike more than their "We build then we Break."

Others like Kate Voegele have written similar songs, but their "don't speak, don't breath," hopeless songs are based on truth, not hate. Kate's Devil in Me, for instance, is as heart stoping a song as any of my favorite songs. The intent, the meaning behind the words of these songs is the same, that word is "love, the only survivor, the only meaning."

My Favorite Songs (2009-12-24 1:55am est)
1. Kate Voegele - Only fooling Myself
2. The Fray - Never Say Never
3. Kate Voegele - Hallelujah (cover)
4. The Fray - Say When
5. Vedera - Desire on Repeat
6. The Fray - You found me
7. Jack's Mannequin - Swim
8. The Fray - Absolute
9. Coffee House Gypsies - Inside my Head
10. The Fray - Syndicate
11. The Bailouts - Just like Heaven (cover)
12. The Fray - Where the Story Ends
13. Dahnee Loves Derby - Sundays
14. Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights (cover)
15. The Fray - Trust Me
16. The Fray - Look after You
17. The Fray - How to Save a Life
18. The Fray - All at Once
19. The Fray - Fair Fight
19. The Fray - Viena
20. The Fray - Unsaid

Have you ever been to Lincoln Plaza Cinema, New York? I was very fortunate to find myself a few minutes away from this cinema last night. I had stopped at a Starbuks, after running around amilessly, though purposly, around and about Grand Central Park. At the time I stopped, I did so because I was freezing and wanted to unfreeze before attempting the jog back to the apartment, hence the Starbucks stop. I got warmmer, started thinking, singing (in my head), dreaming, etc. I stopped listening to music, iPhone (iPod Touch) was at 10% battery life. I connected to the ATT WIFI instead. On an iPhone, like any other PC, WIFI burns a lot more battery life than an app, like itunes. I know, not smart but lucky. Because WIFI -> Facebook -> Movies. :O]

While I was on Facebook, I remembered I wanted to see a movie in New York. It is showing in a few cinemas in California and New York. I keep using the word cinema because I can't spell theature and the spelling auto check thin ong livejournal and firefox does not work for dumb people. :O/

I tried to see this movie yesterday but the two popular theatures in this area suck. I saw The Road instead, which is a good movie. Broken Embraces is a great movie. I heard about it by chance, on Facebook of all places. I remembered about it when I logged into my Facebook last night. I eventually thought and looked up where it was playing. In New York area, my iPhone movie app said two locations. Fukcing Great, I thought! When 10:10, it was past 10:10. I had been in Starbucks for close to 45 minutes I think. But guess what, I was very close to one of the places. How close? About a two minute walk. I got happy, sat around a bit being stupid, at which point my iPhone shutdown before I could write the two or three directions to get there.

Fortunatley two people told me where to go, the first person didn't know where the cinema was, but he guessed. I knew I had to turn on 8th and he knew which way I should try. I messed that up but fortunatly ran into a second person, who must have thought I was a crazy, had no idea what I was talking about but told me where to go when I mentioned "the Penelope Cruz movie."

This movie is about life and about love. I recommend it, particularly if you are like me, that is, "if you think too much." I swear I said that a long time ago. Anyways, to get to the point of this blog entry, the point of this blog, the point of everything meaningful that I have ever done and not done, what I look for in a friend, someone like Lena. What do I look for in a girlfriend? A friend like Lena.

At this point I want to say, to the woman who held the door for me as she was leaving the theature, I noticed you. I wish I had been closer, I was affraid I'd frighten you. I wish I would have been walking faster, if I could go back in time, I would have. We cannot. I tried to catch up to you. Had I been closer or started walking faster, I think you would have held the door for me. Had you, I wanted to reached for the door, just to touch her hand. I know, crazy. I even wanted to walk up to your taxi and knock on your window and... Instead you get a parapgraph in a blog. Chance you will read this? No idea. I would have put this on my myspace or facebook but I don't want everyone to know everything. Those who read what I write, I try to tell you everything.

I tried to upload the lower resolution video again today and this time it worked. This video is a mix of the CHG and The Bailouts Breast Cancer Awareness show at Tobacco Road and the Kate Voegele, Vedera and Jack's Mannequin show at Blue Martini, City Place. "It's a story."

grace - the mixed tape (mobile 480x272)
http://vimeo.com/8067796

I'm going to upload it on my myspace. I don't care if they delete my account. I know they will.